simple is beautiful…a message for the moms and dads out there :)

Ok.  I figured parenthood would be challenging.  Everyone talks about the sleeplessness, the lack of personal time, and the farewell to freedom.  But I didn’t realize what some of the other obstacles would be and I guess I wasn’t prepared for how often I would feel like I really didn’t know what to do or how to handle a situation.  Even when it comes to the really, really great times, the times we watch what our little (or big) ones do, watch them accomplish something, go for something for the first time, make some sort of incredible association, and we want to say something, but don’t know exactly what to say.

Theories abound these days regarding child-rearing.  We hear from “Tiger Moms” who say expecting greatness and refraining from too much praise leads to independence.  While Dr. Sears (the “father” of Attachment Parenting) suggests that you can never love your child or support your child too much.  Then there’s RIE which favors large amounts of dialogue and narration of what it seems your child is feeling and doing over excessive praise so that s/he may remain fully authentic and capable.  All of these approaches seem to share the same ultimate goal: confident, happy, well-adjusted children who grow into happy and well-adjusted adults.

With all this information, I must admit that I sometimes feel stalled in my reactions when I witness certain moments of what I feel is “awesomeness” in my son.  Then I read this.  It made so much sense and hit me so profoundly as something that is so right, I wept: “I love to watch you play.”

Have a look and see what you think:

http://www.handsfreemama.com/2012/04/16/six-words-you-should-say-today/

This is for the moms and dads out there…

Parenting.  Everyone talks about how difficult it can be:  sleeplessness, running in a thousand directions, the absence of “me” time.  But, I find that my most challenging days don’t revolve around the new tooth that has kept my son up all night, or not enough time for yoga (although, I admit, those times are so few and far between they seem as indulgent as chocolate cake!).  Instead, my worst days are the ones when I know that I am not being the parent that I really want to be.  The days that I don’t have enough patience, or don’t build in enough time for easier transitions, expect too much from a 20 month old, or keep running us in the same unconstructive circle that I know hasn’t helped us in the past.  My goals are very long-reaching with my child.  I try my hardest not to take what may appear to be the easy route if it means compromising what we’re working hard to protect in him, those precious, pure instincts that each baby is born with, like joy, focus, creativity, determination, presence, curiosity, kindness, and individuality .  This post, by this brilliant woman, came at a time when I needed it most.  I hope it inspires, reminds, and invigorates you the same way it did me.  Thank you, Dr. Laura Markham, for this beautiful blog: http://www.ahaparenting.com/_blog/Parenting_Blog/post/10_Ways_To_Guide_Children_–_Without_Discipline/ !

“The reason a child will act unkindly or cause damage is always innocent. Sometimes she is playful and free spirited, and other times, when aggressive or angry she is unhappy or confused. The more disturbing the behaviour, the more the child is in pain and in need of your love and understanding. In other words, there is no such thing as bad behaviour in children. Instead there is a child who is doing the best she can and we don’t understand her.” – Naomi Aldort

Parents are often shocked when they hear that I don’t believe in most of what we think of as discipline (spankings, consequences, timeouts) because it keeps kids from becoming responsible, self-disciplined people. “How will my child learn how to behave?” they ask.

My answer is that children learn what they live. The most effective way to teach kids is to treat them the way we want them to treat others: with compassion and understanding. When we spank, punish, or yell, kids learn to act aggressively.

Even timeouts – symbolic abandonment — give children the message that they’re alone with their big scary feelings just when they need us most, rather than being an opportunity to learn how to manage their emotions. (But I’m a big fan of Time-Ins, during which we remove our child from the situation and sit with him to process the feelings that were causing him to act out.)

That doesn’t mean we renege on our responsibility to guide our children by setting limits.  No running into the street, no hitting the baby, no peeing on the carpet, no picking the neighbor’s tulips, no hurting the dog.  But these are limits, not punishment.

Are you wondering how your child will learn not to do these things next time, if you don’t “discipline” him when he does them?  Then you’re assuming that we need to punish children to “teach a lesson.”

Actually, research shows that punishing kids creates more misbehavior. Being punished makes kids angry and defensive. It launches adrenalin and the other fight, flight or freeze hormones, and turns off the reasoning, cooperative impulses. Kids quickly forget the “bad” behavior that led to their being punished, even while they’re processing the emotional aftermath of the punishment for weeks or months. If they learn anything, it’s to lie and avoid getting caught. Punishment disconnects us from our kids so we have less influence with them. It even lowers IQ, since kids who don’t feel completely safe and secure aren’t free to learn. Quite simply, punishment is never an effective means of raising a responsible, considerate, happy child. It teaches all the wrong lessons.

If, instead, we can stay kind and connected while we set limits, our children will internalize what they’ve lived.  They don’t resist our guidance, so they feel connected, and they see their impact on others, so they’re considerate and responsible.  Because they’ve had parents who modeled emotional self-regulation, they’ve learned to manage their own emotions, and therefore their own behavior. Because they’re been accepted for all of who they are, they’re in touch with their own passions and motivated to explore them.

So what can we do to guide children without discipline?

1. Regulate your own emotions.  That’s how children learn to manage theirs. You’re the role model. Don’t act when you’re upset.  If you can’t get in touch with your love for your child, act as if you can. What would a really fantastic parent do right now? Do that. If you can’t, then take a deep breath and wait until you’re calm before you address the situation.  Resist the impulse to be punitive. It always backfires.

2. Honor feelings. When your child is hijacked by adrenaline and other fight or flight hormones, he can’t learn.  Instead of lecturing, do a “Time-In” where you stay with your child and let him have his meltdown in your attentive presence. Your goal is to provide a calm “holding environment” for your child’s upset.  Expressing emotions with a safe, attentive, accepting adult is what helps kids discharge and learn to self-soothe so they can regulate their own emotions eventually. Don’t try to reason with him during the emotional storm. Afterwards, he’ll feel so much better, and so much closer to you, that he’ll be open to your guidance about why we don’t say “Shut Up” (Because it hurts feelings) or lie (Because it cuts the invisible cords that connect our hearts to each other.)

3. Remember how children learn.  Consider the example of teeth brushing. Start when she’s a baby, model brushing your own teeth, make it fun for her, gradually give her more of the responsibility, and eventually she’ll be doing it herself.  The same principle holds for learning to say Thank You, taking turns, remembering her belongings, feeding her pet, doing homework, and most everything else you can think of.  Routines are invaluable partly because they provide the “scaffolding” for your child to learn basic skills, just as scaffolding provides structure for a building to take shape. You might be mad she forgot her jacket again, but yelling won’t help her remember. “Scaffolding” will.

4. Connect before you correct, and stay connected, even while you guide, to awaken your child’s desire to be his best self.  Remember that children misbehave when they feel bad about themselves and disconnected from us.

Stoop down to her level and look her in the eye: “You are mad but no biting!”

Pick her up: “You wish you could play longer but it’s time for bed.”

Make loving eye contact: “You are so upset right now.”

Put your hand on her shoulder: “You’re scared to tell me about the cookie.”

5. Set limits — but set them with empathy.  Of course you need to insist on some rules. But you can also acknowledge her perspective. When kids feel understood, they’re more able to accept our limits.

“You’re very very mad and hurt, but we don’t bite.  Let’s use your words to tell your brother how you feel.”

“You wish you could play longer, but it’s bedtime. I know that makes you sad.”

“You don’t want Mommy to say No, but the answer is No. We don’t say ‘Shut Up’ to each other, but it’s ok to be sad and mad.”

“You are scared, but we always tell the truth to each other.”

6. Remember that all “misbehavior” is an expression, however misguided, of a legitimate need. 

He has a reason, even if you don’t think it’s a good one.  His behavior is terrible?  He must feel terrible inside.  Does he need more sleep, more time with you, more downtime, more chance to cry and release those upsetting emotions we all store up?  Address the underlying need and you eliminate the misbehavior.

7. Say YES.  Kids will do almost anything we request if we make the request with a loving heart.  Find a way to say YES instead of NO even while you set your limit.“YES, it’s time to clean up, and YES I will help you and YES we can leave your tower up and YES you can growl about it and YES if we hurry we can read an extra story and YES we can make this fun and YES I adore you and YES how did I get so lucky to be your parent? YES!”  Your child will respond with the generosity of spirit that matches yours.

8. Stay connected with special time, every day.  Turn off the phone, close the computer, and tell your child “Ok, I’m all yours for the next 20 minutes.  What should we do?” Follow her lead.  The world is full of humiliation for kids, so for this 20 minutes just be an incompetent bumbler and let her win. Giggling releases pent-up fears and anxiety, so make sure to play, giggle, be silly.  Have a pillow fight. Wrestle. Snuggle. Let her tell you what’s on her mind, let her rant or cry.  Just accept all those feelings. Be 100% present. Kids who know they can count on daily special time with their parent flourish because they trust enough to express their full range of emotion, and they WANT to behave.

9. Forgive yourself.  You can’t be an inspired parent if you’re feeling bad about yourself, any more than your child can act “right” if she feels bad about herself.  You can always repair the relationship.  Start today.

10. When all else fails, give yourself a big hug. Then give your child a big hug. Connection trumps everything else in parenting.

Don’t believe it? Try it this week and see what kind of miracle you can make.

My Top 10 Toddler Toys!

I am a big fan of toys that don’t have a ton of bells and whistles.  I like to encourage exploration with toys that have basic movements and that are age appropriate.  My little guy is currently 20 mos old and the toys I’ve listed here are both his favorites and mine!   So, here they are…my Top 10 Toddler Toys!

  1. Melissa & Doug Pound and Roll Tower: this toy has longevity!  It was a gift from friends for Julian’s 1st birthday and has stood the test of time.  It’s still one of his favorites.  (note: we have never used the “hammer” for pounding…I found it’s just as fun for him to press the balls down with his hands, and safer too)
  2. IKEA Train Set: this basic model from IKEA has 4 train “cars” that can attach magnetically or be used independently.  The track can be figured in a variety of ways and includes one “hill.”  We love this affordable and simple set!
  3. Munchkin Magic Mozart Cube: this one has also been a favorite since the early days.  We bought this when Julian was just 6 months old and it remains one of his top picks.  the big buttons are a large target for little hands and the music is easy on my ears.
  4. Harmonica: this is new addition and a crowd favorite.  It’s simple for him to make music because sounds come out on the inhale and exhale and we love to hear him rock out 🙂
  5. Ping Pong Balls: my dad bought a set of these over the holidays as a safe and damage free alternative to other balls.  Julian can throw them anywhere in the house and no one bats an eye.
  6. Green Toys My First Stacker: another one you’ll get some mileage out of…we got these in the first half of the year as well and they’re still going strong.  They stack in a variety of ways, are BPA and phthalate free, and are even great in the bath as they have tiny holes that allow the water to drain through.
  7. Stacking Cups: these were  a gift and I cannot remember what brand they are, but there are a ton of options with these.  They are nesting cups that have endless options and holes so they are also fantastic bath toys for month and months to come.
  8. Baby Einstein Take Along Tunes: ok, so this one does have bells and whistles (well, music and lights), but it has been a great go-to toy in the early months when nothing else seemed to satisfy and continues to be a fantastic car toy.  Everybody seems to have this one, I guess I now know why!
  9. MEGA Bloks: these are the larger, more toddler-friendly version of Legos.  They are chunkier and fit together and pull apart easily.  Our set was a 1-year-old birthday gift that came with a wagon (also a great toy for tots).  Fill and dump, fill and dump, build, and repeat!
  10. Kitchen Spice Bottles: I couldn’t end the list without including a FREE toy that everyone has around the house 🙂  Like most moms, I spend a great deal of time in the kitchen, therefore I have kept my low cabinets baby-friendly.  It has been a favorite pastime of my son to open the spice cabinet and pull out the bottles (caps screwed tightly on, moms!).  He stacks them high (with supervision), moves them to the floor, back to the cabinet, and into various other places with a great deal of attention and concentration.  They are a true lifesaver and, I’ll mention it again, FREE!